Belly Dancer's Nightcap

the sky is falling

"She told me about a group of people in Guinea who carry the sky on their heads. They are the people of Creation. Strong, tall and mighty people who can bear anything. Their Maker, she said, gives them the sky to carry because they are strong. These people do not know who they are, but if you see a lot of trouble in your life, it is because you were chosen to carry part of the sky on your head."

- Edwidge Danticat

I don't think I was chosen to carry part of the sky because I royally stink at bearing hard things. I do however feel like things are dropping from the sky and landing on me - not randomly, once in awhile but every day. I'm glad we are here but things are currently rough. I'm sure it will get better and I'll be able to enjoy Germany but at the moment it's a difficult ride with small, happy breaks. This post is me just asking for your prayers. I know so many of you are praying out there for me and I thank you. It might help to know how I'm doing. No pretty pictures - this will be a rare entry as I have only been able to use the computer once since being here and had just enough time to send my sister pictures.

I am having a very, very bad day - there are a lot of these. I go up and down and dip pretty far down into despair. The idea of moving here is very different from the reality. The reality isn't bad or disappointing necessarily, it's just different. I don't even have time to really let you know what is going on but here is a quick stream of thought...

I feel VERY remote...i have little communication...calls are very expensive for us and those calling because we still don't have a ground line...apparently it will take two or more weeks to even get a ground line even though our computer will probably arrive this weekend and I've been waiting forever for that piece of equipment that will allow me to communicate without paying a fortune among other things and let me write people since i can't even call anyone until 2 in the afternoon...everything takes a really long time here...i am learning patience but i still could never have enough for everything that is happening...everything is difficult to get - doctor's appointments, prescriptions, etc. ...i went many days without my asthma drug before finally getting relief...my pregnancy is killing me right now...my iron is very low and so is my blood pressure...I've been trying to get some iron since I arrived...I still don't have any...i can't spell worth a lick and i won't have time to check this spelling...we are having a difficult time figuring out the transportation system (bus, train) and have little time to even do so because my husband is having to work so much...i have lost all of my freedom and have no way of getting around...i still don't know a single soul in my area and learning German is going very slow...most days I don't even have the energy to take a walk let alone watch Jack for 10 to 17 hours alone...i don't understand anything here, not even my own Mutter Pass (mother pass) which has all of my pregnancy information in it...I've been trying to read it for days with a dictionary (I seriously doubt they are talking about a "slight octopus" on the cardio - something section)...there is never enough time in my appointments to ask for help, i'm usually too busy trying to ask other questions and not always getting answers...i'm feeling extreme dread about taking care of two babies...every day I'm getting contractions, not sleeping through the night and on the verge of anxiety attacks all day long...lots of deep breaths and crying...this is the worst the feeling of anxiety and not being able to get enough air has ever been - it makes me sick and scares me...

there are many blessings too and things to be grateful for but right now i am very low, so low that i don't even want to get up tomorrow and it's still today...that is how you can pray for me right now

thank you for being out there friends