Belly Dancer's Nightcap

Walking Outside of the Rush

Once again I feel blessed to live in the location I do. It's getting very cold here now and we can see snow on the mountains that surround the downtown. On Sundays that we wake up late we walk to the eleven o'clock service at the Episcopal church in our neighborhood. So this morning after throwing back some coffee and grabbing a shower we walked to church. I love the liturgy and hymns and a felt myself sinking back into the pew looking up into cathedral ceiling as we sang. Afterward we walked down to the pub and had fish and chips. Darn tasty. The pub is very cozy, especially if you sit in a booth because it's like your own little room. We got lost in a bookstore after eating. Nothing like a good Sunday afternoon spent walking to everything. If you can walk to where you are going you should - there is so much missed in the rush of life.

Thank you God for this beautiful cold day...for communion with you and my companion.

Bear

When my sister Kelly was little they used to call her Bear. I guess it was because she was like a cuddly little bear cub. Kelly was a funny looking bald baby that grew into a beautiful toddler and child. She had perfectly golden curls and big blue eyes. She was lovely and sweet and maybe a little stubborn. My Mom still calls her Bear sometimes and it makes me smile.

On days like today I wish I had my sister Kelly. When it’s cold outside and I’m alone I know our moods would combine to share a cup of coffee and read in cozy silence. Maybe we would take a walk with the leaves blowing around us and laugh because we both have ungraceful moments. It would make me happy to have one of her painting messes strewn across our apartment. And although I know none of this will happen it makes me happy to have someone like Kell in my life to make imaginary plans with.

sometimes when they get into her paints Kelly paints their nose blue

When I moved away from home I was sad to miss out on my siblings day-to-day life. Amy had already grown accustomed to this but I’m spoiled – I wanted to have both my freedom and not miss out on things at home. The year I left my nanny job because Tisho was in remission I decided to go home. I cannot describe how happy I was to live with my family again and be in the mix. Of course things are never as perfect as we plan them to be but it was a really good year. Kell and I really bonded that summer and off-season at the camp. That’s when we were still at the sports camp and Kelly and I had requested to work in the kitchen together. It was a crew of cooks feeding sometimes 350 people all run by a food and organizational genius named Betsy. Now Kelly and I are not Betty Crocker material but we loved Betsy and we were loyal. Betsy was fond of us and we had our inside jokes and games. One game was for anyone in the kitchen to start humming the first few bars of an annoying song to themselves and if somebody else ended up singing it and getting it stuck in their head you won. The day I quietly hummed the beginning to, We Are Siamese If You Please I was sure no one would know it. Then I heard Betsy start singing it, then stop and realize what she was doing and turned and gave me a mock angry look.

roaming with Asa

Kelly and I had our own games that were just for us. I don’t think anyone else would have understood. We had lots of imaginary games we played in the kitchen. For instance if the food inspectors were coming and we were whipping the kitchen into perfect shape Kell and I pretended we were in a concentration camp. Then when the inspectors walked through the kitchen we exchanged looks knowing the Nazis had arrived.

covered into tatoos

I would be having a horrible day and pass Kelly and the understanding we had would make everything alright. That was also the summer Kelly and I looked the most alike being the same weight, tanned with freckles and long hair. People would get us mixed up and ask, “Why do you keep changing clothes?” We were sort of inseparable that summer.

I can remember in the fall and off-season for the camp how quiet it was. There was a small community of people running the camp and except for the occasional weekend retreat coming through it was peaceful. Kell and I used to take the old Volvo out to the meadow at the lookout point, open the sun-roof and gaze out at the mountains. We could be silly and talk about embarrassing things. Those were therapeutic talks out there. One time we got the idea to bring a wild turkey home for dinner. It was an impulse and we are not hunters so it didn’t go well. I didn’t like the particular type of wild turkey on that mountain because they looked like deranged Muppets. I have a terrible phobia of Muppets and I would look away when I saw them crossing the road in all their goofy glory. It was rumored that they all lived in this abandoned house in one part of the woods. This only added to my horror thinking of them as the inbred, muppety turkeys living under one roof, cooking and hanging out together. Kell and I were in the Volvo when we thought of getting a turkey Robin Hood style. But then we didn’t feel like getting the key to the archery storage closet so we decided to run one over. I know it sounds awful but I laugh when I look back and see us driving in hot pursuit across a field screaming in fear at the same time. We didn’t get one but it was fun.

Kell makes time for the little guys

After that year of getting to know each other as adults we were forever locked into a special friendship. Now when we get together the foundation for that connection is already there. We can immediately fall into our old imaginary games or just sit quietly. I’m deeply grateful for this and for those memories. I once heard someone say that you don’t need a therapist if you just have someone to connect with. It’s a rare thing but God saw fit to bless me with many friendships like this in my family and now in my marriage.

Today I send Kell my love across the many miles. I’m glad you’re out there Bear.

she lets the nephews draw on her

I like Ezra's little guy that he drew on her foot

Kelly draws on Jamie

Kell wears a Christmas bra when it's not Christmas

Kelly needs a sling for Christmas so she can carry animals in it and one day her own child

A Clear View

There is a brief time in the morning when the light in our loft is golden. From where I wake up under the skylight I can see the trees out of the front windows and the mountains beyond. At this time they are clearest and the light is perfect. I lay still as if under a spell watching the gold light wash over the walls in the guest room. The leaves outside are shining as the light comes into the main room and covers our strange igloo ceiling. I hate sleeping through this time and rarely miss it. But I am sad when it is gone - this and dusk, my favorite time of the day, when everything burns down to an indescribable blue and nothing is bad for a moment. These two treasured times of the day often leave me feeling empty when they are gone.

This morning for the first time I was happy to enjoy it and still full of its glory when it left. There was something different about yesterday that made this morning more meaningful. I remember that I was sort down the day before and had about an hour before I was supposed to meet friends. I sat on our futon drinking my coffee and wanting some mindless activity. The usual one for me is a movie so I put a DVD in. After trying to get it to turn on for close to fifteen minutes a strange feeling came over me. I suddenly realized there was nothing at all wrong with the DVD player. I sat there for a few minutes and then I turned off the TV and got my bible.

The last place I marked that I read was in Exodus. I could see why I had stopped where I did. It was all about God talking to Moses about the specific requirements of how to build the alter, adorn Aaron, make sacrifices etc. I found myself wanting to skim and going blah, blah blah in my head. But I kept reading and made myself read all of it. When I finally reached the part about the people turning against God and making their own god while Moses was still gone it made quite an impact. If I hadn’t read through all of those details it wouldn’t have been the same. I’ve heard the story before but not with this much description.

After I read a few chapters in my bible I just sat there and then I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. I know that I can’t explain it because it’s not something I understand with my rational mind. All I know was that it was tangible. I’m not trying to put importance on the fact that I felt something. I am a very feeling oriented person but I know it’s not all about feelings. What was important about this was that there was tangible God there with me and I felt life.

The past few weeks I had begun to notice more than ever that I was losing depth. I read a lot but I was reading even more in a desperate attempt to have something inside of me to come out. This has worked before but this time there was nothing. Nothing. I felt the nothingness spreading. I had nothing to say or give. I was feeling more and more shallow and dull. The things I did have to say sounded critical of others. I was sounding like something I disliked – a bitter gossip. I was hurting and afraid and wanted to lash out at others around me.

For weeks now when my husband and I would go to church the sermon would so directly relate to what I was going through and the discussions my husband and I had about it that it would jolt me awake. This has happened to me once and awhile in the past but never Sunday after Sunday. I knew God was talking to me but I didn’t know what to do with it. The Sunday I was talking bitterly about our neighbors below us the sermon hit on godless chatter. Ouch. On the way home I thought about how difficult I am to reach these days. God had brought me so far out of deadness and yet here I was again – feeling empty and filling myself with dead things. I had been almost completely closed off for almost a year – if I was honest with myself. I could fake my way through things gracefully for a while. Then something hard would hit and my true character would show itself. I know it says in the bible that what is inside will eventually come out. I still thought I could hide the apathy. I felt like the bitter, angry neighbor inside and tried to be the compassionate, giving neighbor on the outside. I would have moments of inspiration and believe that I was now the concerned, feeling girl in the loft. Then the moment I let my guard down the real me would show itself.

I want more than this deception. I want to have the freedom to break out of my people-pleasing mode and be honest and then change. I want to be filled with life. I can only fill myself with these intellectual things for so long until it becomes meaningless.

Yesterday felt like a tiny turning point. After sitting alone with God I met my friends at the library. My young friend Hattie had picked flowers for me and made me a Valentine. She is about to turn four but seems to have the mind of a much older child. She wears her heart all over her sleeve. She is beautiful. When I’m with Hattie I see some of Jesus. When I’m open I can see things like this with better eyes.

Things aren’t perfect but this morning as the light left I felt hope. I remember what hope is and I’m ready to walk forward into the unknown.

“Yet there is no chaining the Word of God. Whether we believe that conversion is instant or ongoing, that Word will eventually get through to our hearts. God has such a yearning for our holiness to be rescued from the lies of this world that nothing will remain an obstacle forever unless we cling to it with such a tenacious grasp that we utterly refuse the divine embrace.”

-A Tree Full of Angels

Missing Chattanooga

One day I'll return. I've been thinking of rainy days on front porches in St.Elmo, fall on Lookout Mountain, watching the children on the mountain play soccer, reading in Greyfriars, hanging out at Joseph and Amy's, Blue Skies on Frazier, my buddy Alex, friends, my secret waterfall, nephews and so much more. These pictures of Chattanooga that my husband took remind me of so many evenings walking around the downtown at night. I used to think Chattanooga was such a strange town when I first moved there and now I can't wait to go back.

because i miss mason

Hey little guy I'm really missing you today. I send you hugs and kisses from far away.

bright wake

the red cool-aide ring around Carson’s mouth reminds me of childhood. i can almost feel myself doing twirls past my grandma’s roses to the swing where Amy waits.

we trail after their bright wake and we can’t always keep up, maybe we don’t even want to all the time but it is there for us to witness like shining stars and rare, blazing comets in the sky

and we are reminded of younger, lighter days when we soared without effort

and there will be moments when we are invited into their world of magic

and we should stoop under the low door into that beautiful kingdom and watch and listen

because it is a gift that will not always be there and we have much to learn from their young, unburdened souls.

Among Rooftops

I have been sick since I came home. It’s been slowly building until it was time to go to the doctor and find out I have something like Pharingitus. They don’t know what’s wrong with you so they have a bunch of made up things to call it so they can send you home with antibiotics. Anyhow being sick has kept me in a lot lately and that gets pretty depressing. Yesterday as the light was starting to fade I realized I hadn’t been outside except to go to the doctor. But even then I was only driving and not really seeing anything.

My husband was on his way home so I didn’t want to leave but I wanted to be out there with the trees. So I took out the screen in my front window and stepped out on the roof. I sat out there on my little blanket with my book and enjoyed the wind. A short time out there was all it took to lift my spirits. It’s a tragic thing to miss any of Fall and a waste not to sit out on a perfectly good roof with a lovely view.

I had been on the phone earlier with my Mom being a big baby about my illness. I told her I was reading F. Scott Fitzgerald and I was really into my story (A little too into it as always). It’s all about a tragic story of a man who falls in love with a girl in a sanitarium and marries her. He’s a doctor of the mind of course and thinks he can take care of her. But he is in love with the part of her that isn't mad and there are sections painfully sad to read. The day before I was so down I began to wonder if perhaps I was mad. Then some of the dialogue between the man and his wife began to sound very much like my husband and I. After that I was even more depressed and feeling bad for my husband who most certainly married a mental case.

I related some of this to my mother and her laughter made me feel a little saner. “Oh, Michelle,” she said, “we’re missing out as a community of believers with you not reading the bible.” “With your drama and perspective we need to hear your voice.”

I have been doing a pretty lousy job of keeping up with that even with the pact my husband and I made - if you want your coffee you have to read your bible.

I think it’s time I kept our pact.

And I believe my Mother is right.

So today I’m going to make time to sit and read the Word.

One day at a time sane or not.

This Is The Soul That Will Keep You

Mom and I

I open the windows this morning to the cold fall air. I hear the sounds of downtown, the college students walking in their scarves, the birds that come to our roof, the mountains covered in snow and when the wind blows the trees rain golden leaves.

The time I had with my family last week will stay with me forever. I have learned to treasure and store up these memories because I know how precious time is.

It was so good to come home to my best friend on Friday. When I stepped into our car at the airport I saw that he had brought me a cup of coffee he made and an éclair from the bakery. It’s nice to come home on a weekend and have time together. One of my favorite things that we did was go hiking at night. My husband wanted to share a place with me that friends had taken him while I was gone. It was a steep one-mile hike up to this lookout that was breathtaking. On one side you look down at the warm, twinkling city lights and then you are also surrounded my enormous mountains rising all around you. You feel very high up and small at the same time because the mountain are so close. I have never seen anything like it. I was kind of whining at the beginning because I’m scared of the dark. When my husband turned off the flashlight I thought of bears. Eventually my eyes adjusted though and I found a calm in the silence up there.

My best friend does so many things for me but one of the things I love most is that he wants to share everything with me. I love that he took me on that night hike to just sit with me and share the moment together. He is good at making me feel loved.

Today I will take a walk in the leaves and pray for all the loved ones I left. Some are still at the cabin but most have returned home like I have.

So a hello and I love you to…

Keith

Keith, focused on his cooking - one of the ways he shows his love for us

a tasty dinner he made us

Keith getting Mason to talk

Mom

Mom with two of her new grand-children

Keith and Mom before he goes out on a hunt

Grandpa and Grandma

Grandma with Mason

Grams in her chic strappy shoes with the Tart

Kelly

Kell wore the baby sling more than anyone

singing to Mason

the Kell we know and love in one of her stylin ensembles

our two goofs Kell and Ezra

Marley

Marley after the new haircut Jamie gave her

with her little buddy

Carson

Carson holding still during her haircut

the new hairdo

our nutty Tart

and Bailey in North Carolina

Bay likes the world upside down

Bay gets some cuddle time with Kate

outside playing house

Joseph

Joseph relaxes with coffee and his two gals

Amy

Amy with her little Marlow

caught in the headlights

Amy and I, the two eldest siblings

Ezra

Ezra staking out his pumpkin

lounging in the rocking chair after helping with the preperations for dinner

Asa

Asa giving Lica a foot massage

playing with his brother

turning cartwheels with Bay

and Marlow in Chattanooga

nap-time in the sling

getting a bath

with her big buddy

little Marlow enjoying a waterfall

Ryan, Katie

Kate daydreaming

Mason has his Mom's eyes

Asa hanging out with Mason and Kate

Kate and Mason

enjoying the sun

and Mason in Chicago

get your dukes up

Mason admires the lovely mountain vista

Jeremy, Michelle

the four pictures below of our crew in Kansas were not taken by me and can be found on their web log

Jer with Moriah

proud Dad

and Moriah in Kansas – we missed you guys

sweet little Moriah

Moriah Yuki

Jamie at school once again in Raleigh

talking on the baby monitor with Katie

looking at pictures with Kate

Jamie

Lica back at school in Gainsville

laughing with Marlow

Lica

Grant returned to school at Montreat

Grant playing with Marlow

And though it’s time to go

James hugging Kell

We’ll be together soon

Jamie heading out

Until then,

this is the soul that will keep you.

James

Jamie came in the night Lica left. She had just flown out to see our brother Jeremy and his wife Michelle's new baby. Between that and school she had one whole day with us. I'll take anything I can get and be happy for each moment.

We had time to lounge in the grass...

carry new babies around

she cut Kelly, Amy, Carson and Marley's hair

put her earings on Tarty

and we talked late into the night

We love you James.

parting

Lica had to get back to school on Monday and we were sad to see her go. We are thankful she could share this time with us though, her presence was a blessing.

Thank you God for Lica...

and wherever she is tonight send her our love and your great protection.

drama gypsy

In the Moment

Reunion

sweet Asa, bringing enough to share

Lica and Grandma

the two Marlows

Kate and Amy

Lica and Marley

little Mason, Kate and Grandma

a quick bath before dinner

Bailey with Marlow

Auntie Lica and Marlow having a serious talk

Marley bonds with her niece Marlow

Watching

in Grandma's window

our Bay

the quiet spaces of beauty

time for reflection

our crazy Lica

the baby bat

Lica with a beautiful nose pierce

Carson dodging my camera

Ezra

at the end of the first day, sacked out

From Left: Joseph giving Mar and Asa a piggy-back ride, Mister Asa, Mason the stud and Mason with his Grandpa and Mom showing off his muscles

Welcome Home

And so again I find myself flying. There has been so much flying for me in the past two years which means I am a blessed girl because now everyone is so far away. The day before, calling home: hearing Kelly and Lica laughing hysterically – my Mom coming in the door with fresh flowers and pumpkins. When we left for the airport Saturday my husband was lugging my bag down the endless stairs and pointed to a tag from the last flight. It said, 'Heavy' and had a little picture of a man being nearly crushed by a bag. He told me that man was him and asked me what I had packed. I told him I was bringing some clothes for a sister, library movies, etc. “So you’re bringing clothes to outfit the rest of the family, what else?”

The weather was fall and crisp and he had a pipe in his mouth. I think the pipe makes you cocky, I say. The weekend had been full of silliness and teasing. My husband makes me laugh more than anyone can. I know I will miss it.

On the plane I had the window and the two best seat companions in a long time. One was a man completely outfitted like an old, formal cowboy and the other was school teacher who was coming back from attempting to see her first granddaughter born. Cowboy had been hunting in Wyoming and I asked him about the moose which I love. School teacher's daughter was late and she would miss the birth. For some reason we all three clicked and by takeoff we were talking like old friends.

We started joking about flying fears as the plane rolled forward which isn’t good for paranoid people like me. When we got in the air we encountered really bad turbulence and everyone became nervous. The mentally handicapped gentleman sitting behind me was on his first flight and began screaming in fear. He was fenced in between his two old lady guardians who were trying to calm him. I told my new buddies if we went down I wanted to go down laughing. So we kept things light and I said a prayer for the poor man behind me who yelped each time the plane took a dip.

After that I read a little Hemingway because I was tense and his descriptions of food and places calms me. But Hemingway is not good to read when you are hungry and have no food, especially A Moveable Feast. The feast was the few paltry pretzels and I dreamed of Indian food and fell asleep in the clouds.

The people behind me were a bit awkward in a way people are when they don't get out much. They seemed to be having a long Boo Radley moment. I heard things like:

Don’t hit me.
If you stab me with that…
I’m coloring now; it’s my turn.
Don’t you dare stab me.
I didn’t bother you when you were using the coloring book.
No stabbing!

My life continues to be strange. I parted the plane with genuine farewell wishes exchanged between my new friends. Then I raced through the Charlotte airport to find Katie. We had the last flight together to Greensboro and I was dying to see my new nephew. I saw her smile in the dark sea almost immediately. Little Mason was sleeping and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He woke up for the flight and I held him as we landed at our destination. His eyes became as big as plates and he sucked quickly on his pacifier.

Marlow and little Mason

Mom, Kelly and Lica were waiting for us at the gate. Yes, it was good and there was much laughter, squeals and whoops of joy.

If you haven’t whooped today you really should.

ken outnumbered

In two days I'll be showering in a place that looks like this. I really miss being around all those girls that I love. Soon, soon.

From the old days: Jamie, Kell and Kate

Confessions of a Cursed Cook

The other day I had envisioned a beautiful dinner and it went really well until I started making it. That is to say, things always go well in my mind but the action is slow to follow. In the case of my cooking the action matters little for I am badly cursed.

Where the preparing and cooking of food is involved I am deficient of common sense. I love food and I long to be like the chef in A Chef In Love. He will not only tell you what spices are in his lamb but how old the lamb was, where he was raised and what he read perhaps as a child. I can only tell you why the kitchen is on fire and that a lamb is burning.

Last night’s dinner began with a doomed alfredo sauce I tried to make myself. Lets just say it never thickened up though the color was right on. I am not used to timing everything so it all comes out at the same time and while I am cooking my ADD mind is consumed with it. It’s rather hard I think. I would rather be a laid back cook but we’ve got a ways to go before that will happen. In the end I poured the milk-like sauce over the pasta and watched it splash over the plate. The baguette came out of the oven hot but also rock hard. My kind husband nearly broke his teeth trying to eat it. I crunched sadly on my spinach leaves dismayed that it had gotten to this point.

In the past I have been known for many culinary disasters. In my mother’s house I was famous for my chai fires. I cleaned up burned milk from under the burners too many times. When I lived with my grandparents my Grandpa worried about me because I kept leaving burners on and leaving. We all knew who had early Alzheimer’s in that house. At my sisters I was given jobs like cutting vegetables and grating cheese. Yes, those biscuits over there on the stove are really my cookies.

Tonight I got smart and went to a little gourmet specialty shop. I made a wide loop away from the fresh chocolates in their display case while making the sign of the cross. Oh but they did talk to me and this good girl didn’t answer. Actually, they sang to me and I covered my ears all the way to the meat section.

I was looking for something to go with our potatoes and found a chicken covered with basil, pine nuts, parmesan and red curry. Mmmmm. When I asked the guy behind the counter how to cook it he looked like he was going to start laughing and quickly covered it with a professional face. I suppose they don’t get many people in there who don’t know how to cook a simple chicken. Curry chicken to the rescue!

I know, I know…I can’t always blow money at the gourmet shop.

But just for tonight the kitchen will be fire-free and happy and the cook will know exactly what’s going to happen - dinner.

The Outside of India

I hung Marley's painting this last week...it looks happy there because it is loved.

Additionally, here is a story Marley started during our little writing workshop a couple months ago. Maybe she'll finish it next week while I'm there. She left on a cliffhanger.

Two sisters were spinning yarn in India. It was the outside of India. It was very quiet. They were happy of that. Because they were close to wild life. They loved the wild life. So they were happy.

But about there Mom and Dad they were going to America. To see if they could find a good price for a house. They said they would be back in a month. But they have not come back in a year and so Limona is the oldest she is 20 with blue eyes, brown straight hair, she is tall, and thin. The smaller girl was 7 and had orange hair, brown eyes, short, and helpful, and her name was Nollie.

So Limona is watching Nollie and right now they are spinning a scarf for the winter. After that they had dinner. Steak, potatos, carrots and berrys.

The next day they saw a surprising thing. They saw Dad and a lady with him. We ran to Dad so fast that we almost fell when we came to him. He almost fell over. When they went inside Dad introduced us to his new wife. We asked what happened to Mom Dad said she died. We said we did not want a new mother. We ran up to our room we yelled down we did not want a new mother.

The next day they got married in the creek, it was ok. When we had dinner Nollie kicked the lady under the dinner table. I practice kick ball so I kick hard. She almost broke her leg. Now that was cool.

She had to see a doctor, he said she should stay in bed. Me and Limone were so happy. We went to go pick black berrys and catch fish. At dinner we had trout, carrots, and berrys. Zalas, for that was Dads new wifes name, had to eat in bed. So it was just Nollie, me and Dad. We were happy when it was like this. But Dad wanted Zalas with us I could see it in his eyes.

The next day we saw a lady. We went down stairs and outside. It was Mom and we ran to her but could not understand. Dad said you were dead said Nollie. Mom said, But I’m not.

Sunday's Hike

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any - lifted from the no
of all nothing – human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

My Burfday

Sometime in the midnight hour I turned thirty. Kind of strange. Age has never bothered me. I guess it’s partially because I don’t see ages on people, I don’t mind looking older, I feel young on the inside and I look forward to blue hair when I get real old.

I don’t like my birthday made into a big deal or lots of attention. I want the small things like: my husband whispering happy birthday and i love you in my ear before he leaves for work, my nephews singing, “Happy Burfday!” at the top of their lungs on the phone, my grandparents who call every year and sing louder than my nephews and remembering that when my Mom got pregnant at seventeen she chose me instead of herself.

God made today beautiful. I took a walk alone and took pictures. It’s cold and clear and pure.

I think I want éclairs from our friend’s bakery (third generation Dutch) instead of a cake.

My five candle wishes since I’m not superstitious…

1. that I’ll see my worth through God’s eyes, be willing to look at myself honestly and be open to change in myself this year and reflect Christ more
2. that my husband won’t be sent back to Iraq
3. that I’ll get pregnant
4. that I’ll get a job in which I’m helping people
5. maybe I’ll get an éclair…no two éclairs, yeah.

And lastly I’ll never grow up.

Never.